Eye Contact & Rapport
10 September 2008It was both comical and sad. The electrical goods salesman was trying so hard. He’d come through the one-size-fits-all school of communication skills in which he’d learned a few rules for how to create rapport with people. And he was resolutely sticking to those rules.
He’d learned ‘good eye contact’ was important and was using every trick in the book to get the customer to look him in the eye - asking her direct questions, pausing after she answered, mentioning her name and then pausing, and so on. But the customer was having none of this.
She wasn’t into this eye contact thing at all and successfully countered all of the salesman’s efforts. She’d look at the product, out the window, at the ground, the ceiling, in fact anywhere except into the salesman’s eyes.
Me? I was hanging around waiting to be served and, because I train people in selling and influencing, couldn’t resist surreptitiously observing the struggle. I only just managed to resist the temptation to take him by the elbow and say “Look, it’s not working. Try something different – like doing it her way, for a change!”
The Myth about ‘Good Eye Contact’
It’s amazing how many communication skills’ books and courses perpetuate the myth that ‘good’ eye contact means gazing fixedly into the other person’s eyes. For a few people this will work well. However many people are likely to find it uncomfortable to the point where they begin to wonder if you are trying to hypnotize them or ask them for a date, or both.
If you meet lots of people in your daily life it’s a good idea to think about how you make eye contact - it is, after all, one of the first things people use to form an impression of you!
Some Eye Contact Styles
Spend some time observing people and you will soon recognize that there are many different eye contact styles of which the more common are:
(1) The Fixed Stare Style: their eyes never leave you and practically bore through you. Occasionally this style is used as a power trick to intimidate or to give the impression that the person is more confident than they really are. Much used by politicians who have been thoroughly coached in how to appear a lot more trustworthy than they often turn out to be!
(2) The Darting Glance Style: They do look at you – but with very brief glances. They tend to look at you only when your gaze is averted. This style can give the impression of either low self confidence or lack of trustworthiness so if it happens to be your natural style you may wish to remedy the situation rather than transmit such a non-verbal message.
(Rather than being related to their trustworthiness or their confidence this lack of eye contact is more likely to be due to their personal thinking style. Many people have developed the habit of having to look away, or even close their eyes momentarily, in order to think about what they are saying. In a later article we will look at this subject and at what the direction a person’s eyes move in tell you about the ideal communication style to use with them.)
(3) The No-Eye-Contact style: Their eyes rarely, if ever, meet yours. They use peripheral vision to watch you. This style is much favored by country dwellers whose lifestyle has not included many opportunities for gazing into the eyes of other humans.
You may have noticed, while out in the open country, that there is a tendency to use somewhat less eye contact and to stand further from one another than would be the norm on a city street. As with the Darting Glance the style can be misinterpreted. However the No Eye Contact style is more likely to be a learned behavior than an essential part of their thinking strategy.
(4) The Turn-And-Turn-About Style: This is the most common style. I look quite steadily at you while you are speaking. (Although, if you appear to find this uncomfortable, I look away occasionally to avoid creating tension). When it is my turn to speak you look at me steadily while I still meet your gaze but look away a little more (to think, gather my thoughts, check my feelings, etc.).
Use Eye Contact to Improve Rapport
(1) If they use the fixed-stare: While speaking to them look at them for longer than you might otherwise do. But avoid getting into I-will-not-look-away-until-you-do competition. When you are doing the listening give them quite sustained eye contact. (If, at first, you find this a little uncomfortable you can ease your own tension by varying your expression and by using head nods and ‘Uh-huh’ sounds.)
(2) If they use Darting Glances: Giving them sustained eye contact will be perceived as aggressive or even intimidating. Adopt a somewhat similar style by looking away more than might be normal for you, especially when you are doing the speaking.
(3) If they use minimal eye contact: Make much less eye contact that you might normally do. Practice using peripheral vision to watch them.
(Incidentally, it is quite likely that these people will also prefer to maintain a larger personal space zone so avoid moving too close to them.)
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